Monday, February 22, 2010

Figuring out my Future...

Hello All,

I got to talk with T yesterday on the phone. Poor Ashden has a cold but she said that he is getting better. I hope he gets better soon! We had a nice hour long conversation just talking and catching up! Every time I talk or hear from them it just reminds me of why I picked them and how I'm so glad that we are developing a friendship!

So onto the title of my blog...I'm just at a frustrated stage in my life. I have been thinking pretty hard about being a K-9 Cop. Just recently my friend has told me about this camp, Philmont, which is a Boy Scout camp. Well there is a whole section for ranching and basically you work with about 350 head of horses and you ride them, brand them, herd them, and so on and so forth. Part of your job is taking boy scouts who are there on trail rides when they want to go. So the more we talk about it, which I'm applying to get a summer position there, it reminds me of just how excited I get when it comes to horses and ranching. So would a K-9 Cop be the right job for me? Or should I look into working for a horse ranch or something in that area? I don't know. I guess it's a good thing that I have another 3 semesters left (if I do get hired on at Philmont it will postpone my graduation on more semester). Maybe if they do hire me on this summer and I go out there I can see just how much I would enjoy it or not and then go from there...

Well that's all I really had to say, I've been busy busy busy with school and I just had so many thoughts going on in my head so I wanted to get them out really quick.

Thanks for listening! (or should I say reading?!?!)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Few Updates...

Hello All,

Well I got my package from T and B last Thursday with the first round of pictures and a wonderful letter updating me on how everyone is doing. Ashden has his 4 month check up on Friday so I can't wait to hear how that goes and figure out how much he has grown! He has been a happy baby. His parents said that he really enjoys laughing and making a lot of noises. I'm sure his laugh is adorable! It just feels like more than 4 months has passed...maybe it is just the fact that I want the time to go by faster so that the time I get to see T, B and little Ashden gets here faster! I wanted to share a few pictures with you all from the packet they sent...

The first picture was taken in December at T's family Christmas. I love it because he looks like a marshmello! T said that Ashden loves bath time and this picture was just sooooo cute I had to share it with you! The last picture was the sweetest...they put all of the things that I had gotten for Ashden around him and took a picture, they called me Tummy Mom! It's funny because my Mom and I had been talking about it and we both thought that would be a good way for him to know me, just so sweet. There are so many other pictures but I just wanted to share a few since I know a lot of pictures do sometimes make things slower to load.

I also had a package sent to them for Valentine's Day. I wanted to give them all a little something so I bought these Tea Light candle holders with some yummy smelling candles, some chocolate Kisses in a little bag that says "puppy love", I bought Ashden and outfit that says "Tough Like Daddy" and a little card.

I hope you all enjoyed the update. I'll be sure to update in a few days on my cross stitching prject since I did have a chance to work on it a little bit!
Love Deanna

Monday, February 8, 2010

Still waiting for the pictures! I'm so excited!

Hello All,

It's a lovely, cold Monday that I woke up late so I missed my first class this morning...but I am not going to let that bring me down...I will be getting my 3 month pictures of Ashden this week! I recieved a text message from T on Saturday night with the picture at the bottom of the post! I can't believe how big Ashden has gotten! He will be 4 months on Wednesday! I can't even believe it.

I did want to add something really quick about my Birthmother's Day vs. Mother's Day blog...I don't know if I made it clear but I do believe that Birthmom's should celebrate Birthmother's Day together, to support and share and help heal. But Mother's Day is still a day that I want to celebrate, even if it's by myself, because I am a Mother and not just partially a mother! I gave birth to my little boy and I had to make a difficult choice to give him a BIGGER and BETTER life then I EVER could give him right now! I wanted him to have a mother and a father...and even if there were huge parts of me that wanted to keep him and be selfish because it would be EASIER for me to keep him I gave HIM a better life. I am a Mother because I put my son BEFORE myself and I would never want him to have anything LESS! That is true love and that is one way to be an AWESOME MOTHER!

Enjoy the picture...

Friday, February 5, 2010

Birthmother's Day vs. Mother's Day...

Hello All,

So I have been doing some surfing on the Internet the past couple of days (yes I know I should be studying), but I have stumbled upon this concept of Birthmother's Day. I am still looking into it a bit more but I just wanted to get some of my thoughts out there to just try to keep them in order.

First some background...Birthmother's Day was created in 1990 by a group of Seattle Birthmoms. They created the day to be celebrated the Saturday before Mother's Day and it was a day they created to be able to honor each other, help with the healing process and also educate others about Birthmother's. They decided that they would do it the Saturday before Mother's Day because Mother's Day for some Birthmoms is a very hard day.

I guess I have very mixed feelings about these two days. I can completely understand how Birthmother's Day can be helpful for many Birthmother's but I also can see why people think Birthmother's should be honored on Mother's Day...after all they are a Mother. I believe that both the Birthmother and the Adoptive Mother are very important and are both Mother's whom love a child even though they both play different roles in that childs life.

Maybe Birthmother's Day should be celebrated by Birthmother's with Birthmother's...have a day to share, heal, help and educate EACH OTHER! Have a day to connect with others who have gone through what you have and get those connections that so many of us do need. I guess I do want to be considered a Mother, I might not be parenting, but I did make a very hard decision to make sure that my son has a better life. I gave him over to his parents, his Mother and Father, who will raise him and give him the things that I was unable to. I want to be thought of as more then a woman who carried a baby around for 9 months and gave birth to him and then gave him up, end of story. That's not how it goes because I will continue to care about him, and think about him and want what is best for him for the rest of his life (well really my life because I expect him to out-live me).

I guess after all the thinking, the last thought I have is if we are making a Birthmother's Day should there also be an Adoptive Mother's Day? Think about it...if Birthmother's are not thought to be a Mother to be celebrated on Mother's Day then should an Adoptive Mother be celebrated on Mother's Day? Now before you start getting mad let me finish my thought! I believe that Birthmother's and Adoptive Mother's alike should be celebrated on Mother's Day. We are both Mother's, we are both HUGE roles in our children's lives, and nothing makes us less a Mother than the other.

I know many people have different thoughts on this and I think everyone has a right to their own opinions, but that is my opinion and I'm sticking to it!

P.S. Birthmother's Day is not technically the Saturday before Mother's Day because it is scheduled for May 1, 2010 instead of May 8, 2010 and Mother's Day is May 9, 2010...Just an FYI.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Yes Amy (Amstel Life)...I will be quoting you... :-)

Hello All,

So I was reading another one of Amy's blogs ( and it is so funny because I would be one of the people who reads her open adoption story and wants to keep learning more and more from their experiences. Here are a few things she posted that apply to my situation and some of my thoughts to them...

1) If you are a prospective birthmother, choose an adoptive couple/family who you could see yourself having a strong relationship with many years down the road. Choose people with similar interests, values, and morals as your own. You're going to have to do a ton of research, but get to know as much as humanly possible about each other before the actual adoption. The more couples you interview, the better chance you have of finding a perfect match for you. If you're not comfortable with an agency, ask family, friends, and co-workers if they know anyone who is looking to adopt. Sometimes, the best match can come from someone who knows someone who knows someone. In fact, that's how we met each other!

I completely agree with this! Now I was fortunate enough to find a family in three profiles (even though theirs was the first one I looked at). I told the adoption agency what I wanted in a family; Family Oriented, Pet Lovers, Down to Earth and wait...Pet LOVERS! LOL. (Yeah I said that twice but it was a huge thing I wanted). I read through B & T's profile and it just hit me, they were perfect! They were so similar to me it was just crazy! I even had my parents and my sister read their profile and they all said "Do you think they could just adopt you too?" Haha, the whole point to that was how much in common I had with them. It has made things so comfortable for all of us.

3) As your relationship continues to develop, start asking more personal questions. Eventually, you should ask each other every question you can think of under the sun. Nothing should be off-limits to talk about. Some things we thought to ask each other included: -Are you ever going to try adopting again?-Do you anticipate having to move away? -How will you discipline you children?-What type of life insurance, college fund, etc. will you set up? -Should something happen to you both, who will take custody?-Will you both be working, or will De be a stay-at-home mom?-How often do you anticipate we will be able to visit Deanna?-How will you tell Deanna about her adoption?-Will we see Deanna less as she gets older?-May we speak to your family and friends to ask them some questions about you?-And the list goes on....

T and I have been very open with each other. We haven't really gotten around to this in particular but we are slowly but surely opening up about our lives and I hope that will continue and one day we will have all these questions asked and answered between all of us.

7) After the birth, learning the boundaries of open adoption will be difficult at first. You can talk about what to expect until you turn blue, but everything after the birth is a whole 'nother story! You'll learn as you go, but as long as you continue to communicate and be honest with each other, things should start to come together eventually. I can't stress enough how important communication is in open adoption. Since our open adoption was very open, sometimes I had a hard time saying no to visiting. After a long day of class, sometimes I felt guilty for saying no to stopping by to see De and Deanna. There were times I just needed to take a break and be alone. I learned to take care of myself first and to visit only when I felt emotionally ready. And that made our visits so much better.

I completely agree with this! I believe that communication is very important in this area and I also agree on the fact that after the baby is born it is hard to figure out where the boundaries are and if there are ways to have an even more open adoption without stepping on anyones toes. I mean for example, when I was first looking at families I wanted it to be pretty closed, just pictures every once in a while. The longer I was pregnant the more contact I kind of wanted. Then when I got to know B & T I wanted even more openness. Now we are at pictures ever 3 months for the first year, pictures every 6 months after that, we talk on the phone every once in awhile...about once a month, and we've now taken up e-mailing each other almost once a week. We also have a plan to do visitations once a year, we'll see if that increases sometime in the future or if we just keep it at once a year. Again, communication is key! :-)

Amy also went on to say to share your story if it is possible just to help others in their journey's...I've already been doing that and I'm so happy to be able to do that! I mean this is not only a way to get out my feelings, it's a way to show another open adoption story to the world as well as it will be something that Ashden can look back at and read and see what was going on, on my end during this whole experience. :-)

That's it for today...ready to watch Supernatural and then take a bath...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Structuring My Life After Adoption...

Catelynn and Tyler off of Teen Mom said it perfect on one of the episodes (this isn't a perfect quote) "It's crazy because we did an adoption plan for Carly and now we have to make plans for ourselves." It's very true. My life changed a lot after I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly, and all of it for the better. It's still hard to get my feet back on the ground after such a huge decision and such a big change in my life...

I'm back in school at KSU this semester and it's been very hard to adjust from my last semester. I was in a smaller community college taking classes that were a lot easier (the 100 level classes then, the 400 - 500 level classes now). The other huge thing that has changed was the fact that last semester I was pregnant for part of it and then was a woman who had just delivered a beautiful baby boy for the last part of it. You go through a numb period of "Did that really just happen" for a while after you have a baby and give it up for adoption. Now that numb period is over, I am fully aware of what all happened in October 2009. Now I'm trying to figure out my own life and make my own plan as a Birthmom who is a college student trying to keep making a path for my life.

School is so much harder this semester...I am constantly studying and I've been hitting these big walls where I have so many things running through my mind; I need to study for Repro, I should work on Ashden's project, oh wait I can arrange my photos and put captions with all of them, but no...I need to study for Horse science too and Beef science and Genetics. The more my mind goes through this juggle of what I SHOULD be doing NOTHING gets done. I need to get back in the habit of just doing and thinking about one thing at a time so I stop making myself feel so overwhelmed. It's always so much easier said than done!!

On top of all this I have finally decided what I really want to do for a career after college is out, I want to become a Police Officer. I've always been someone that likes to take care of other people, so what better job then to take care of my community and help keep things under control?! I'm excited about that but it still brings up so many other questions and thoughts...

It's just weird, you go from constantly thinking about another person (Ashden for me) to having to focus on yourself completely again. Sometimes it does feel like their is a void there...and not in a way that I feel like my decision was wrong, it's not that at all...but more like you do feel like there is something missing and you are trying to fill that space with something.

I don't even know if I'm making a bit of sense...LOL...just wanted to try to get some of my feelings out instead of always trying to hold them in. Sometimes it just helps put things into place...

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

16 and Pregnant ------> Teen Mom

Hello all,

So I know that I was 22 when I found out I was pregnant and 23 when I had little Ashden but these shows are so real! I didn't really get into the first round of 16 and pregnant. Actually the very first episode I saw was when Catelynn and Tyler were giving their baby girl up. I was about 6 months pregnant and had decided that I was giving my baby up already. I saw when Catelynn and Tyler were holding their daughter in the hospital and telling each other that this was for the best...I started crying and changed the channel, I didn't want to think about it.

Then give me a few months and after having Ashden and having such an awesome adoption experience and now I am constantly watching Teen Mom, the follow-up to the girls from 16 and Pregnant. Every episode makes me tear up especially when it comes to Catelynn and Tyler just because I do understand what they are feeling and going through...I understand how hard of a decision it is to make and also the feelings of knowing it's best even when it is hard.

These shows are great. I really hope girls watch this and take note! It really isn't easy to be a Mom, especially when you are young and the father doesn't always stay around or when he does it's not just smiles and laughter. It also gives insight to different types of Mom's; the single mom, mom's with a partner; Birthmothers...

Anyway I'm giving everyone a heads up...the new season of 16 and pregnant starts on Tuesday February 16th at 9:00 pm Central time! I really hope that they will also follow up with this group and do another Teen Mom....

I'm going to leave you with that thought and some awesome picture of Ashden's 2nd professional picture session on January 18th...