At the end of February 09 I started have a feeling that I was pregnant. I was dating Josh who, at the time, I thought was going to be the person I would spend the rest of my life with. I knew that we had our issues but I just figured we could work through them. When I finally told him that I thought I might be pregnant he said, "If you are then you are, we can't really do anything about it." He started acting weird and going out to the bars all the time. I finally took a pregnancy test and it confirmed my suspisions. That is when things got a little blurry for me. I found out Josh was cheating on me and knew that I wasn't going to deal with that even though I was pregnant with his child. He told me that I should just get an abortion and that was that.
I had to start really putting my life into perspective and figure out what I wanted to do with my situation. I hadn't told my parents and I had only told a few of my friends. I knew that I wasn't going to do abortion. It's just not something that I could ever live with, knowing that I killed my baby, something that was a part of me. I hadn't even thought of the aspect of adoption...it's not something that I think jumps out in the minds of many people. I went to the free pregnancy testing clinic in town so that I could get a confirmation from them and start going to the doctor. This is when I found out that I had gotten pregnant in January, while on my birthcontrol...and no I was not taking any antibiotics! So that only 99.9% accuracy is true...it's not 100% full proof.
I finally decided on adoption. It was the only thing I could think of that would be right for my baby. If I kept him then he would grow up without a father in his life until sometime down the road I found a man who would care about me and my baby. I don't want to live my life looking for a father for my child so my only other option was to give him up for adoption.
Telling my parents was the hardest thing ever! I knew that they were going to freak out about it and I knew that it wasn't going to be a good reaction. One of my friends went with me so that I wouldn't be alone. It didn't go over well at all. They didn't understand why I wouldn't do abortion and they said that there was no way that I could keep him so my only option would be adoption. I had already decided that, but it still hurt having them be so unsupportive.
I started going to the doctor and meeting with the adoption agency and finally in July I got to pick out the family that I wanted to adopt my baby boy. I got to tell them things that I really wanted from a family and then they found the families that matched that the closest. I had three books to look through and after I looked through the very first book I had a strong feeling that they were the ones that I was meant to choose. They were very family oriented, they had been together for 10 years, married for 7, they had 2 dogs and a cat that you could tell they love them to death! They are both teachers, they are huge KSU fans (big plus), and you could tell they really love each other. So I picked them out.
When we met with them the first time it was just amazing. They were so laid back and wonderful. We hit it off and we couldn't stop talking! I knew right then and there that I had picked the perfect family for my little boy. After our second meeting it just confirmed it even more. They also told me then that they were planning on naming him Ashden John...what a perfect name.
I made sure to call them and tell them how each of my doctors visits were going. All the way up to the doctors visit that sent me into the hospital.
It was Tuesday October 20th and Ashden hadn't been moving around as much as he normally did so I started to get really worried. I decided to head to my doctors office to have them check him out and make sure everything was ok. They found out that my blood pressure was very high and that worried my doctor. She sent me to the hospital to get hooked up to a fetal monitor there and to have my blood pressure taken. After two hours my doctor decided to break my water (9:00 pm). At 11:00 pm they started to push petocine (sp) hoping to accelerate my labor. It was very VERY painful. But I stuck it out until 2:00 am on the 21st of October before I finally told them they needed to get me the epidural. LOL. I was only dialated to a 4 and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to sleep without it. I got a little bit of sleep that morning but woke up at 6:00 am just waiting. I was so sick to my stomach it wasn't even funny. Blah, to many medications if I might say so myself! I started pushing at 8:00 am and by 9:21 on October 21st Ashden John made his apperence into the world at 8 lbs and 20.5 inches long.
I had said that I didnt' want to hold him after he was born but I changed my mind immediatly and I held him. He was beautiful and perfect! I remember thinking, "He has Josh's nose!" and then, "I know that I am doing the right thing for that wonderful couple waiting out in the hall way!"
I never changed my mind on the whole thing. I knew that my best option was adoption, I knew that B and T were going to be the best parents for him, and I knew that I was still going to be able to see him and have contact with them.
Our agreement was for them to send pictures every 3 months for the first year and then every 6 months after that. We will also have a visitation once a year. I hadn't thought about phone contact but T has already called me once and she has also sent me a text message with a picture of him. I'm so glad that we are so open with each other because it is making things a little easier to deal with. Every time I hear from them I know that my choice was completely right!
I will leave you with some pictures today, but I imagine that I'll be back again soon to get some of my feelings out!