My Life with Open Adoption

3rd Visit Coming Up

2011-03-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

So one of my blog friends from my other blog about books and movies e-mailed me and talked to me about this blog...well that reminded me that I hadn't come by here in a LONG time and updated with anything!

Well on April 9th we are going to be doing another get together to just visit and see how everything is going. It will be nice to catch up with them since we have all been so busy that it's been hard to keep updated on everything. His mom, T, told me the other day that he is starting to give kisses! How adorable is that?! I can't wait to see how big he has gotten. :-)

I've been very busy with school and both of my jobs and reading and trying to have some sort of social life. I haven't updated on here or kept up with any of the adoption blogs that I used to keep up with all the time. I'm not sure what is up with my absence to tell you the complete truth. I am just a huge mixture of emotions and I've been keeping myself so busy...I don't know. We'll see how the visit goes in the next couple weeks and I'm sure I'll have more to update you all on.

Adoption Videos...have tissue ready!

2010-12-22T05:28:00.000-08:00

I've been on a YouTube video kick and found a few awesome Adoption videos I thought I would share with you all...I hope you enjoy!

Mark Schultz, christian singer, talks about the story behind his wonderful song Everything to Me

From Birthmom Buds

Have tissues ready...Dear Son video...letter from birthmom

Dear daughter video...

Second Visit

2010-12-07T07:39:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

This past weekend we had our second visit and it was wonderful. We met at an Italian resturant where we were able to have their private reservation room so that we could be able to hang out and Ashden was able to get down and play without anyone else around. It was wonderful to see Ashden and his parents again and be able to catch up in person! I love seeing how they interact with him and just how happy he is. He is such a good kid and he is not very shy either. That fact really surprised me since I know so many kids who are very shy and don't like to see new people but he was all smiles and wanted to play a lot. We had brought gifts along and he wanted to play with the tissue paper that the gifts were wrapped in. Oh man, that made me laugh so hard because I remember how kids always loved to play with the box the gift came in more than the gift itself! :-) Every time that we see B and T I am reminded that I made the right choice for my son. I have never had any doubts about adoption and I do not regret my choice at all, but it is still nice to have that reinforced!

Special moment: When I looked at Ashden right after they entered the room and smiled at him and he smiled right back! It really warmed my heart. :-D

Open adoption is something that you never really understand until you are in or around it, it does have it's struggles but you just have to push through them! You don't know what the parents are thinking or feeling, you don't want to step on toes and the last thing you want to do is make them uncomfortable...but in the end as long as everyone is happy with the situation and you do have open communication and an open mind it will work out wonderful for everyone!

I will leave you with some pictures from our little visit and also with the wonderful thought that B and T have already suggested maybe another visit around Spring break! I couldn't believe that they had already thought about the next visit and that made me even more happy. :-)

Hope you enjoy the photos! (BTW, I'll have to post a few more later since I don't have them all on this computer...)

On the way home after our visit B and T sent me this picture, he was so tired after our visit:

Welcoming my Nephew

2010-11-18T04:14:00.000-08:00

So this is off subject from the adoption blog but I am very excited and happy to introduce my Nephew Cooper Douglass who was born at 7:48 pm on November 17th, he weighs 7 lb 7 oz and is 19 3/4" long!

Cooper's First Picture:

First picture of Cooper with his Daddy (My Brother):

A Year With Ashden...

2010-11-16T17:13:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

So I wanted to do this around his birthday on October 21st but didn't get a chance...I'm going to share a year of Ashden with you because he grew up so much! I am missing a few months, August & September, and I'm putting these for the order I got them in so they might have been taken in a different month...

The day he was born 10-21-2009:

Thanksgiving 2009:

Christmas 2009:

January 2010:

February 2010:

March 2010:

April 2010:

May 2010 (Mothers Day):

June 2010 (First Visit):

July 2010:

(Missing August & September)

October 2010 ONE YEAR!!:

And just for fun...his 2010 Halloween Costume! He's standing on his own!

I hope you all enjoyed!

~Deanna~

Update from Visit...Sorry it's been so long!

2010-11-15T20:55:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you on how the June visit went, especially with our next visit coming up at the beginning of December. The visit went very well and we all had a great time getting to see each other again! I was very nervous but my nervousness went away as soon as I saw them again. I wish I would have played with him more but there is always next time. We hung out at a park for about an hour just talking and getting to see Ashden laugh and play for awhile. Then it started getting hot so we headed to Red Robin, one of my favorite resturants, and had a great meal! Then it was time to say goodbye which was hard but not as bad as I thought because I know that he is with such a great family who loves him very much. Below are some pictures...

Ashden and I

Then last month on October 21st he turned a year! I still can't believe it! I'm just in shock. The time has flown by so fast and he is already walking now. B & T told me that he is talking about 10 steps all on his own and every day he is working up to taking more and more. Before you know it he'll be running around like crazy!

We have our next visit on December 4th and I'm a little nervous for it but not too bad since we had our visit in June. So we'll see how that goes and since the semester is almost over that means I'll be able to update you all a LOT sooner on that visit with better detail than this post. (Don't feel too bad, I still haven't uploaded or posted my pictures from my New Mexico vacation in August...oops!)

Well I hope you are all doing well and I will upload a picture of Ashden that his Mom, T, sent me on his birthday tomorrow...for some reason this photo uploader thing won't let me add another photo! I don't know what's going on. :-(

Take care and Good Night!

~Deanna~

First Visit...

2010-06-08T06:05:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

Our first visit is coming up this Friday. I'm nervous yet so excited at the same time. My parents and Sister will be joining B, T and little Ashden. I'm nervous and I know things will go smoothly but you can't help but worry about that.

My biggest question is, what if he won't come to me and he doesn't want me to hold him?! Very nerve wracking.

I'll update more on Friday night after the visit and let you know how it went and what's been going on. I don't understand how people can update every day. I think it's awesome that you all can update your blogs daily but man my schedule just gets soooooo busy that if I do have an extra 10 minutes I want to use it to breath. LOL.

Take care!

Mark Schultz's Beautiful Song...

2010-05-08T04:06:00.001-07:00

Hello All,

Just wanted to share this wonderful song with you. The song is called "Everything to Me" and it is written by the Christian singer Mark Schultz. He wrote this song about his Birthmom and it makes me tear up every time I hear it, even before I became pregnant and the adoption happened, but now it touches at even more places in my heart! Grab a tissue and enjoy...

http://markschultzmusic.com/media/

Click on the above link and then is is the third video posted!

I hope you all enjoy it and have a wonderful weekend! :-)

Always,
Deanna

Mothers Day Gift...

2010-05-06T14:29:00.001-07:00

Hello All,

So I wanted to do a quick update. My Mother's Day gift to T is on it's way, so hopefully she will get that before Sunday. I got home today to see a package on my door step! T, B, Ashden and Pet Crew sent me a wonderful Mothers day gift. It contained a wonderful home made card with Ashden's foot and hand print, another home made craft sheet with some scribbles on them (I'm sure from little Ashden) and some other fun bath items and chocolates! It made my day to receive such a wonderful thing and the home made card was just amazing! :-)

I also sent out an Easter basket to Ashden. My Mother has always had a tradition of making Easter baskets for us since we were little. I decided that I would start the tradition with Ashden. It contained some things for bath time (since Ashden loves bath time), some teething toys, a taggie blanket and book, one of my favorite books as a kid "Are you my Mother", and a few other odds and ends. T informed me that Ashden loved the basket and has been playing with a lot of thing items. :-) It just makes me so happy to know that I can send them all things and know that they will enjoy them all.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Love,
Deanna

My Review of Sunshine...

2010-05-05T16:45:00.001-07:00

Hello All,

So I really enjoyed that movie last night...well it was a film really. 1 hour long. I'm not the artistic type, so I don't really look into the meaning of different objects they decide to focus on. I did really enjoy it though. It was nice to hear how much Adoption has changed in about 30 years.

The film hit on many issues such as unexpected pregnancy between two individuals, single parents, adopted families, where birthfamilies fit into a childs life from their birthparents to their birthgrandparents, as well as the reason different people go different directions.

It was nice to see the film maker capture different aspects in her life and it was wonderful to hear that even though she didn't stay with her daughters father, he was (and still is) a huge part of their daughters life. They are both single parents but they are not single parents in the same way I had viewed single parents. For some reason, whenever I thought of single parent I also thought of someone who wasn't with their child's father/mother and was raising the kid all by themselves with no help from the father/mother. How weird is that?! I guess the fact that they had such a wonderful relationship with each other even with a child involved and not being together just threw me off. It is a weird concept to me since most individuals I know that have kids and are single do not have a good relationship at all with their children's mother/father. I mean none of them! They either don't say two words to each other when they have to pass the kids over for visitation and if they do they argue. It was refreshing to see a child be raised by a mother and a father even with them not being together.

It was also nice to see how fortunate I am to have had an unexpected pregnancy now and go through adoption. I like the fact that they have open adoptions now and that it is ok to share your experiences with others and not have to hide away somewhere and never let your feelings out. I think it's great that now we are able to choose what would be best for ourselves and our babies...if you want a closed adoption that is fine but it is also become normal to have an open one. :-)

Well now that I babbled a lot and probably didn't hit on much, I will repeat that this was a wonderful film from Independent Lens...I hope that it is available to more people to watch so others can check it out!

Have a great night!
~Deanna~

Documentary Film: Sunshine...

2010-05-04T06:07:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

I saw on Production Not Reproduction's blog post "Airing Tuesday: Sunshine" about this film and checked it out myself. I think I will be watching it tonight to see what it is all about. If you go to the website http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/sunshine/index.html you can check the local listings to see what channel and what times it is on in your area. There is also a preview for it on the site so you can kind of see what how the film is going to be.

From what I gather, the film is about the film director who is an adopted kid and unexpectedly gets pregnant at 23. She decides to raise her child in a non-traditional way with her ex-boyfriend. She also decides to reunite with her birthmother and you see how times have changed an how women have more options now when it comes to unexpected pregnancies. I think this will probably also show the struggles she faces being a single mother so you see both the joys and hardships on both sides.

Now this is all what I am guessing and I'll write a blog on what I think about the film when I see it. So we'll see if what I think the film is going to be about will be what the film is actually about. Haha.

That's all I have for today! Talk to you all tomorrow.

Love,
Deanna

Visitation in June...Almost done with the semester!

2010-04-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

So my family and I are coordinating with T and B right now to have our first meeting in June. We have a date set right now so hopefully that will work with both of our adoption workers. :-) We are thinking about going to the park and then out to eat for dinner afterwards. It will be so nice to see them all again and also catch up on life.

Classes are almost over with! Next week is "dead week" and then the 10-14th will be finals week. I'm so ready for a summer break!

Birthmom's day is this weekend and Mother's Day is the weekend after that! I am looking for a nice gift to send to T and I already have a card picked out since this will be her first Mother's day as a new Mommy! :-) Then Father's day is in June so I'll be thinking about something to get for B!

I am going to leave you all with a picture of little Ashden that was sent to me this past Sunday! He is now 19 lbs 3 oz and 28 inches long! He still loves bath time and he has been enjoying some oatmeal for a few of his meals!

Love,

Deanna

Life Has Been Busy...

2010-04-17T14:44:00.001-07:00

Hello All,

Sorry it's been awhile since I've been able to update my blog. I've been just so busy between two jobs, classes and studying. I have taken on a second job at the University Police Department as a dispatcher. I've really enjoyed it so far, but my weekends are completely shot (besides being able to study). Blah. It has made me realize that I would really like to become a cop so that is what I will continue to work for.

So I am going to share a few pictures I received from T and B of little Ashden. He is smiling and laughing, they are adorable. I also wanted to share a quick bit of happy news. They mentioned that they would like to get a time together in June for us all to see each other! I'm very excited about this...so is my family and I hope T and B are just as excited!

I have to get to studying for my test but I wanted to share this and give you all some updated pictures that I hope makes everyone smile as much as they made me. :-)

Figuring out my Future...

2010-02-22T16:36:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

I got to talk with T yesterday on the phone. Poor Ashden has a cold but she said that he is getting better. I hope he gets better soon! We had a nice hour long conversation just talking and catching up! Every time I talk or hear from them it just reminds me of why I picked them and how I'm so glad that we are developing a friendship!

So onto the title of my blog...I'm just at a frustrated stage in my life. I have been thinking pretty hard about being a K-9 Cop. Just recently my friend has told me about this camp, Philmont, which is a Boy Scout camp. Well there is a whole section for ranching and basically you work with about 350 head of horses and you ride them, brand them, herd them, and so on and so forth. Part of your job is taking boy scouts who are there on trail rides when they want to go. So the more we talk about it, which I'm applying to get a summer position there, it reminds me of just how excited I get when it comes to horses and ranching. So would a K-9 Cop be the right job for me? Or should I look into working for a horse ranch or something in that area? I don't know. I guess it's a good thing that I have another 3 semesters left (if I do get hired on at Philmont it will postpone my graduation on more semester). Maybe if they do hire me on this summer and I go out there I can see just how much I would enjoy it or not and then go from there...

Well that's all I really had to say, I've been busy busy busy with school and I just had so many thoughts going on in my head so I wanted to get them out really quick.

Thanks for listening! (or should I say reading?!?!)

A Few Updates...

2010-02-16T04:58:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

Well I got my package from T and B last Thursday with the first round of pictures and a wonderful letter updating me on how everyone is doing. Ashden has his 4 month check up on Friday so I can't wait to hear how that goes and figure out how much he has grown! He has been a happy baby. His parents said that he really enjoys laughing and making a lot of noises. I'm sure his laugh is adorable! It just feels like more than 4 months has passed...maybe it is just the fact that I want the time to go by faster so that the time I get to see T, B and little Ashden gets here faster! I wanted to share a few pictures with you all from the packet they sent...

The first picture was taken in December at T's family Christmas. I love it because he looks like a marshmello! T said that Ashden loves bath time and this picture was just sooooo cute I had to share it with you! The last picture was the sweetest...they put all of the things that I had gotten for Ashden around him and took a picture, they called me Tummy Mom! It's funny because my Mom and I had been talking about it and we both thought that would be a good way for him to know me, just so sweet. There are so many other pictures but I just wanted to share a few since I know a lot of pictures do sometimes make things slower to load.

I also had a package sent to them for Valentine's Day. I wanted to give them all a little something so I bought these Tea Light candle holders with some yummy smelling candles, some chocolate Kisses in a little bag that says "puppy love", I bought Ashden and outfit that says "Tough Like Daddy" and a little card.

I hope you all enjoyed the update. I'll be sure to update in a few days on my cross stitching prject since I did have a chance to work on it a little bit!

Love Deanna

Still waiting for the pictures! I'm so excited!

2010-02-08T15:42:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

It's a lovely, cold Monday that I woke up late so I missed my first class this morning...but I am not going to let that bring me down...I will be getting my 3 month pictures of Ashden this week! I recieved a text message from T on Saturday night with the picture at the bottom of the post! I can't believe how big Ashden has gotten! He will be 4 months on Wednesday! I can't even believe it.

I did want to add something really quick about my Birthmother's Day vs. Mother's Day blog...I don't know if I made it clear but I do believe that Birthmom's should celebrate Birthmother's Day together, to support and share and help heal. But Mother's Day is still a day that I want to celebrate, even if it's by myself, because I am a Mother and not just partially a mother! I gave birth to my little boy and I had to make a difficult choice to give him a BIGGER and BETTER life then I EVER could give him right now! I wanted him to have a mother and a father...and even if there were huge parts of me that wanted to keep him and be selfish because it would be EASIER for me to keep him I gave HIM a better life. I am a Mother because I put my son BEFORE myself and I would never want him to have anything LESS! That is true love and that is one way to be an AWESOME MOTHER!

Enjoy the picture...

Birthmother's Day vs. Mother's Day...

2010-02-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

So I have been doing some surfing on the Internet the past couple of days (yes I know I should be studying), but I have stumbled upon this concept of Birthmother's Day. I am still looking into it a bit more but I just wanted to get some of my thoughts out there to just try to keep them in order.

First some background...Birthmother's Day was created in 1990 by a group of Seattle Birthmoms. They created the day to be celebrated the Saturday before Mother's Day and it was a day they created to be able to honor each other, help with the healing process and also educate others about Birthmother's. They decided that they would do it the Saturday before Mother's Day because Mother's Day for some Birthmoms is a very hard day.

I guess I have very mixed feelings about these two days. I can completely understand how Birthmother's Day can be helpful for many Birthmother's but I also can see why people think Birthmother's should be honored on Mother's Day...after all they are a Mother. I believe that both the Birthmother and the Adoptive Mother are very important and are both Mother's whom love a child even though they both play different roles in that childs life.

Maybe Birthmother's Day should be celebrated by Birthmother's with Birthmother's...have a day to share, heal, help and educate EACH OTHER! Have a day to connect with others who have gone through what you have and get those connections that so many of us do need. I guess I do want to be considered a Mother, I might not be parenting, but I did make a very hard decision to make sure that my son has a better life. I gave him over to his parents, his Mother and Father, who will raise him and give him the things that I was unable to. I want to be thought of as more then a woman who carried a baby around for 9 months and gave birth to him and then gave him up, end of story. That's not how it goes because I will continue to care about him, and think about him and want what is best for him for the rest of his life (well really my life because I expect him to out-live me).

I guess after all the thinking, the last thought I have is if we are making a Birthmother's Day should there also be an Adoptive Mother's Day? Think about it...if Birthmother's are not thought to be a Mother to be celebrated on Mother's Day then should an Adoptive Mother be celebrated on Mother's Day? Now before you start getting mad let me finish my thought! I believe that Birthmother's and Adoptive Mother's alike should be celebrated on Mother's Day. We are both Mother's, we are both HUGE roles in our children's lives, and nothing makes us less a Mother than the other.

I know many people have different thoughts on this and I think everyone has a right to their own opinions, but that is my opinion and I'm sticking to it!

P.S. Birthmother's Day is not technically the Saturday before Mother's Day because it is scheduled for May 1, 2010 instead of May 8, 2010 and Mother's Day is May 9, 2010...Just an FYI.

Yes Amy (Amstel Life)...I will be quoting you... :-)

2010-02-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

So I was reading another one of Amy's blogs (http://amstel-life.blogspot.com/) and it is so funny because I would be one of the people who reads her open adoption story and wants to keep learning more and more from their experiences. Here are a few things she posted that apply to my situation and some of my thoughts to them...

1) If you are a prospective birthmother, choose an adoptive couple/family who you could see yourself having a strong relationship with many years down the road. Choose people with similar interests, values, and morals as your own. You're going to have to do a ton of research, but get to know as much as humanly possible about each other before the actual adoption. The more couples you interview, the better chance you have of finding a perfect match for you. If you're not comfortable with an agency, ask family, friends, and co-workers if they know anyone who is looking to adopt. Sometimes, the best match can come from someone who knows someone who knows someone. In fact, that's how we met each other!

I completely agree with this! Now I was fortunate enough to find a family in three profiles (even though theirs was the first one I looked at). I told the adoption agency what I wanted in a family; Family Oriented, Pet Lovers, Down to Earth and wait...Pet LOVERS! LOL. (Yeah I said that twice but it was a huge thing I wanted). I read through B & T's profile and it just hit me, they were perfect! They were so similar to me it was just crazy! I even had my parents and my sister read their profile and they all said "Do you think they could just adopt you too?" Haha, the whole point to that was how much in common I had with them. It has made things so comfortable for all of us.

3) As your relationship continues to develop, start asking more personal questions. Eventually, you should ask each other every question you can think of under the sun. Nothing should be off-limits to talk about. Some things we thought to ask each other included: -Are you ever going to try adopting again?-Do you anticipate having to move away? -How will you discipline you children?-What type of life insurance, college fund, etc. will you set up? -Should something happen to you both, who will take custody?-Will you both be working, or will De be a stay-at-home mom?-How often do you anticipate we will be able to visit Deanna?-How will you tell Deanna about her adoption?-Will we see Deanna less as she gets older?-May we speak to your family and friends to ask them some questions about you?-And the list goes on....

T and I have been very open with each other. We haven't really gotten around to this in particular but we are slowly but surely opening up about our lives and I hope that will continue and one day we will have all these questions asked and answered between all of us.

7) After the birth, learning the boundaries of open adoption will be difficult at first. You can talk about what to expect until you turn blue, but everything after the birth is a whole 'nother story! You'll learn as you go, but as long as you continue to communicate and be honest with each other, things should start to come together eventually. I can't stress enough how important communication is in open adoption. Since our open adoption was very open, sometimes I had a hard time saying no to visiting. After a long day of class, sometimes I felt guilty for saying no to stopping by to see De and Deanna. There were times I just needed to take a break and be alone. I learned to take care of myself first and to visit only when I felt emotionally ready. And that made our visits so much better.

I completely agree with this! I believe that communication is very important in this area and I also agree on the fact that after the baby is born it is hard to figure out where the boundaries are and if there are ways to have an even more open adoption without stepping on anyones toes. I mean for example, when I was first looking at families I wanted it to be pretty closed, just pictures every once in a while. The longer I was pregnant the more contact I kind of wanted. Then when I got to know B & T I wanted even more openness. Now we are at pictures ever 3 months for the first year, pictures every 6 months after that, we talk on the phone every once in awhile...about once a month, and we've now taken up e-mailing each other almost once a week. We also have a plan to do visitations once a year, we'll see if that increases sometime in the future or if we just keep it at once a year. Again, communication is key! :-)

Amy also went on to say to share your story if it is possible just to help others in their journey's...I've already been doing that and I'm so happy to be able to do that! I mean this is not only a way to get out my feelings, it's a way to show another open adoption story to the world as well as it will be something that Ashden can look back at and read and see what was going on, on my end during this whole experience. :-)

That's it for today...ready to watch Supernatural and then take a bath...

Structuring My Life After Adoption...

2010-02-03T19:44:00.000-08:00

Catelynn and Tyler off of Teen Mom said it perfect on one of the episodes (this isn't a perfect quote) "It's crazy because we did an adoption plan for Carly and now we have to make plans for ourselves." It's very true. My life changed a lot after I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly, and all of it for the better. It's still hard to get my feet back on the ground after such a huge decision and such a big change in my life...

I'm back in school at KSU this semester and it's been very hard to adjust from my last semester. I was in a smaller community college taking classes that were a lot easier (the 100 level classes then, the 400 - 500 level classes now). The other huge thing that has changed was the fact that last semester I was pregnant for part of it and then was a woman who had just delivered a beautiful baby boy for the last part of it. You go through a numb period of "Did that really just happen" for a while after you have a baby and give it up for adoption. Now that numb period is over, I am fully aware of what all happened in October 2009. Now I'm trying to figure out my own life and make my own plan as a Birthmom who is a college student trying to keep making a path for my life.

School is so much harder this semester...I am constantly studying and I've been hitting these big walls where I have so many things running through my mind; I need to study for Repro, I should work on Ashden's project, oh wait I can arrange my photos and put captions with all of them, but no...I need to study for Horse science too and Beef science and Genetics. The more my mind goes through this juggle of what I SHOULD be doing NOTHING gets done. I need to get back in the habit of just doing and thinking about one thing at a time so I stop making myself feel so overwhelmed. It's always so much easier said than done!!

On top of all this I have finally decided what I really want to do for a career after college is out, I want to become a Police Officer. I've always been someone that likes to take care of other people, so what better job then to take care of my community and help keep things under control?! I'm excited about that but it still brings up so many other questions and thoughts...

It's just weird, you go from constantly thinking about another person (Ashden for me) to having to focus on yourself completely again. Sometimes it does feel like their is a void there...and not in a way that I feel like my decision was wrong, it's not that at all...but more like you do feel like there is something missing and you are trying to fill that space with something.

I don't even know if I'm making a bit of sense...LOL...just wanted to try to get some of my feelings out instead of always trying to hold them in. Sometimes it just helps put things into place...

16 and Pregnant ------> Teen Mom

2010-02-02T19:00:00.001-08:00

Hello all,

So I know that I was 22 when I found out I was pregnant and 23 when I had little Ashden but these shows are so real! I didn't really get into the first round of 16 and pregnant. Actually the very first episode I saw was when Catelynn and Tyler were giving their baby girl up. I was about 6 months pregnant and had decided that I was giving my baby up already. I saw when Catelynn and Tyler were holding their daughter in the hospital and telling each other that this was for the best...I started crying and changed the channel, I didn't want to think about it.

Then give me a few months and after having Ashden and having such an awesome adoption experience and now I am constantly watching Teen Mom, the follow-up to the girls from 16 and Pregnant. Every episode makes me tear up especially when it comes to Catelynn and Tyler just because I do understand what they are feeling and going through...I understand how hard of a decision it is to make and also the feelings of knowing it's best even when it is hard.

These shows are great. I really hope girls watch this and take note! It really isn't easy to be a Mom, especially when you are young and the father doesn't always stay around or when he does it's not just smiles and laughter. It also gives insight to different types of Mom's; the single mom, mom's with a partner; Birthmothers...

Anyway I'm giving everyone a heads up...the new season of 16 and pregnant starts on Tuesday February 16th at 9:00 pm Central time! I really hope that they will also follow up with this group and do another Teen Mom....

I'm going to leave you with that thought and some awesome picture of Ashden's 2nd professional picture session on January 18th...

A New Year...

2010-01-26T19:31:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

So it's the start of 2010...I can't believe a year ago this month I got pregnant (even though I had no idea). It's just so strange to think about the differences that have come about in over a year. Jan 2009 I was with someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I was taking a semester off school, I was living on my own and I was going to the bars almost every night...turn that around a year later and I'm completely single and loving it, I'm a Mom, I am living back with my parents, back in school and I barely ever go out.

I am still enjoying the open relationship that I have with B and T. It's been such a relief to hear from them so often (we have been e-mailing each other a lot). It's nice to know that they are comfortable enough to share so much and that they care about me so much to keep up with what has been going on in my life as well. I still can't believe how lucky I was to have the adoption agency give me their profile when I was in the process of picking out a family, of course I know that God had a hand in that...probably even two hands...because they are such a perfect fit!

Ashden has been going to the babysitter this month and has been doing really good there. He is really growing up fast. T says that he is very alert and loves to make lots of noises...I'm sure that he is going to be a big talker, we'll if he takes after me he will be (and of course T and I seem to talk A LOT when we get together so I'm sure he'll get it mostly from her). T and B just had their second baby shower this past weekend with all of their friends and with B's family, I can't wait to see some pictures from it!

In the next couple of weeks I should be getting some updated pictures of him once his second set of professional pictures get developed and sent to B and T. I can't wait to see all the different pictures from the past few months!

I just have one quick thing I want to get off of my chest real quick...I know that some people were prepared for me to change my mind about giving Ashden up after I had him but I never waivered on my decision. I know that some people do and I DO NOT think anything less of them. I just had picked out such a wonderful family and I had my mind set on doing what was best for my baby from the beginning. Of course a few weeks after I gave him up I had a few moments of "What if's" but really those lasted a few minutes and then I'd laugh and say, "Not going there, he is with a Mother and a Father that will love him and take care of him." I guess the thing that bugs me is just having people who were there with me the whole time think I was ever going to change my mind...I don't even know if I'm making any sense...Haha...but it still bugs me. :-P

I will update you all soon, when I have a free minute from homework!

Love,
Deanna

BTW...I love the show Teen Mom! It's so great that they actually show people who go through adoption because it does show all the different aspects of Adoption I don't think a lot of people understand...

A Very Merry Christmas,

2009-12-25T19:39:00.000-08:00

Wow, this has been a good Christmas with my family but it was highlighted with a wonderful e-mail and some beautiful pictures of Ashden and his Parents B and T. They have asked that I not share the pictures of the three of them but I am going to share a few of the pictures of Ashden. I love seeing his smile! You can tell just how happy he is, and his beautiful blue eyes. I know that they still have a chance of changing, and I know that I will still think he is the most handsome little boy ever if they do, but I still am hoping that he will have my blue eyes! :-)

Have a Very Merry Christmas EVERYON! :-)

Christmas is starting and the Project continued

2009-12-23T14:18:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

So there are only two days until Christmas. Wow, 2009 has gone so fast...I can't believe it's almost over. Well, I have been working on my project for Ashden a bit more the past few days even though I have so much other stuff going on. It's just relaxing for me to do some cross-stitching and at the same time it's fun to be making something for him with my own hands. :-)

Here are the two new animals I have finished... A Sheep and a Dog!

I'm happy to tell you that B and T had to make their longest road trip with Ashden to date to visit family and he did great. Terresha said that he was a very good traveler even though he got a little fussy towards the end. They split it up into two days to make it a little easier on him. I'm really excited to hear all about his first Christmas and I know that his new Grandparents are enjoying all the fun time spoiling him. They are visiting T's side right now and this is their very first Grand-baby and I'm sure they won't be able to put him down! Haha, it brings happy tears to my eyes to know how much he is loved and how much they are taking care of him.

I'm sure I'll have a lot more to update in a few days but I just wanted to share this little bit today. :-)

Open Adoption and the Holiday Season...

2009-12-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

I'm becoming a member of the Open Adoption Bloggers and their Roundtable #11 is called "Open Adoption and the Holiday Season". This will be my first Christmas being a birthmom so I wanted to share a little about my experience so far.

It has been a good holiday season thus far and I am praying for many more like this. There are a few things that I am still trying to figure out, and I know over time I will be able to. My Mom, Sister and I all got Ashden gifts for his first Christmas. His new parents loved them and thanked me in the e-mail from the previous post. Last Friday I received a package from the adoption agency from B and T and they had sent me a gift. They sent me a bracelet that says "Love-A-Love-J-Love" on it (AJ standing for Ashden John). I love it and I've been wearing it ever since. They also sent me this cute picture book that they had put together on Snap Fish. I love it to death and I have looked at it probably about 40 times now and I've shown it off to several of my family and friends. One huge question that I run into is if I should get anything for B and T for Christmas. Part of me really wants to but doesn't know if it's appropriate and another part of me doesn't (because I'm a broke college student). It's a very hard decision because I don't think they are offended that I don't send them personal gifts because I gave them a beautiful son, but I don't really know. This is something I'll have to feel out over time, and maybe with a little more money I can get them some little things.

I have read several adoption blogs and a lot of people seem to being having this ache in their hearts for their babies over the holiday season. I'm not sure if I am feeling this way. I miss him, yes, but I also know that he is with a wonderful family who will be taking care of him and giving him soooooo much. So I do miss him but not as profound as others I guess. Of course I don't know if that ache will grow over time or not. I just know that having an open adoption with this wonderful couple has helped me in so many ways...I think that this holiday season it has really helped me not feel a loss over giving up my son but more of a gain for adding B and T into my life.

Take care everyone!

Getting to know the family...

2009-12-17T19:17:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

Well I just had to do another update...I was trying not to update to much but I had to share this. I ended up getting my sons parents e-mail address on Tuesday night during our wonderful call. I had told them about my blog and I wanted to share it with them! They checked it out and both thought it was really neat. I'm so happy to hear that from them!

They met with their adoption worker yesterday and received the gifts that my Mom, Sister and I had sent them. So they ended up e-mailing me! It brought tears to my eyes but they were tears of joy!

Here is the first part of their e-mail:

Dearest Deanna, Joe and family :)

Hello!! We hope you are good and everyone is having a great day. We just had our visit with Jamie and got the lovely things you sent, oh my. I cried enough happy tears reading the wonderful words from you and your family. You are all so special to us, you can't imagine! Ashden already listened to the book you recorded for him, its so neat and we loved hearing your voice. B held him and he sat up and looked at all the pictures and listened to the words. B said to him, "you've heard that voice before" and he was listening so intent. What a treasure! He is also wearing the reindeer outfit you got him today for Jamie's visit. :)

This made me cry! "you've heard that voice before"...yeah I was a puddle. It was just so sweet of them to share that with me. T told me that when she reads any of the books I bought for Ashden that she always tells him that they are from me. I am so blessed to have this wonderful family who cares enough about me and Ashden to make sure we both know about each other. :-)

The Christmas books will be so much fun to read together. He is really liking books now since he is more alert and awake. I have always loved Christmas books as a child and even to this day and now we can start the tradition with him. The knitted hat from your grandma is adorable and he's already modeled it :) He loved the Jittery pal from Sarah and the awesome bright colors. Your family Christmas pictures turned out so nice. We actually are doing Ashden's birth announcement as our Christmas picture this year, you are getting one of those when you get the goodies we sent with Jamie. She may be in town next week so you'll either get them or she will mail them so you get them. I hope you like them :) It was really good to hear from your family too and the little Christmas card for Ashden too. I have their birth announcement of Ashden sitting here to get in the mail as well. I wanted them to have one also, I just forgot to send it with Jamie. We have really enjoyed getting to know your family as well through this process. I also gave a birth announcement to Jamie and one for Carisa. There are so many people that love this little boy and that's awesome. I always tell him about his birth grandma, birth grandpa, birth aunt, uncle.....and of course, you :) He knows a zillion people love him!

I can NOT wait to get the birth announcement from them for Ashden. It will be so much fun to see what they put together. T is so great at crafts and such...she is a neat woman and I know she is going to be a wonderful Mother!

Your blog was fun to read, I'm glad that it will also be helpful to others and it is also helpful for us to read too, in addition to our chats. You also can give yourself more credit because I like to think of a birthmom's decision, not as giving up a child, but forming a plan for their bright future, and you were so brave to do that. :) :) I also started checking out the open adoption site you sent, there is a lot there, wow they have really put a cool site together.
Thank you for sharing that, it will be good to read. Thank you again for thinking of us and it was so fun to read everything you wrote in your letters and card.

We love you tons!

B, T, Ashden, Charisma, Jake, and Bailey

I love this! "I like to think of a birthmom's decision, not as giving up a child, but forming a plan for their bright future". It really is so true! I knew that I was not going to be able to give my baby boy everything that I knew he should have from the VERY beginning of his life. I did a very unselfish thing to give him away and I don't regret it at all. :-) He is with such a wonderful Mom and Dad and they love him so much.

Ok, I have to share this beacuse it cracked me up...and not in a bad way, really in a "I knew I chose them for a reason", kinda way. I hope that makes sense...anyways. So she was telling me about his day care next year when she heads back to work. This is what she says..."Well I go back to work on the 4th, but Brian is then taking a week off, and then he'll start going to the day care." Haha, isn't that wonderful?!?! I the whole time I was trying not to cry happy tears and I was trying to not laugh too loud because it was just perfect. They are first time parents, and they really act like it. Well I hope none of that sounds bad because I'm smiling so big and glowing so much right now!

Update on Ashden,

2009-12-15T17:23:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

I just got off the phone with T. It was so wonderful to hear from them again and finally be able to chat instead of trying to catch up over texting. Ashden is doing great. He is eating well and growing up. :-) He is now at 11 lbs 10 oz and is 24 and 1/4 inches long. Haha. He has gotten so big! They seem so happy and it is wonderful to hear how everything is going with them and their family. We talked for a good hour and I know we both had plenty of questions for each other. It always seems to me that I have so many questions, yet when I finally get to talk to them I'm so excited that my mind almost goes completely blank! Haha, oops. I'll have to remember to start carrying a note pad around with me so when I think of a question I can ask them! It was so fun to hear about their plans over the holidays and it almost made me cry with how much they do care about me and want to know how I am doing. She told me that they read the books I got for him and always tell him that they were from "Your Birthmom Deanna". That makes my heart smile for sure. I think it's awesome that he'll get to know who I am from the beginning.

I went to the Free Pregnancy Testing Center in town yesterday to talk to Joy who helped me figure out what decision I was going to decide on. She was so happy that I had come forward and I'm willing to be available to them to talk to other girls going through unplanned pregnancies to help them understand all of their options. It was nice to talk to her and to be able to tell someone else about little Ashden and the wonderful couple I picked to be his parents. :-) I know I talked about them the whole hour I was there. She thought it was wonderful that I was so comfortable with the family and that I know that the decision I made was the right one. It's for sure that I don't have any regrets with this adoption and that makes me feel even happier.

I'm going to get back to packing and working a bit more on my project for Ashden...I'm so excited to get more of it done so I can show you all. :-)

My project for Ashden John,

2009-12-13T14:44:00.000-08:00

So I decided to create a cross stitching picture for my dear Ashden John. My mother had made one from me when I was born that had my name, my date of birth, my height and weight when I was born, and my hair and eye color. I found one that fits the bond that T, B and I have to animals to make for him. I originally wanted it to be a Christmas present but due to my class schedule and lack of time I have decided to make it a birthday present for him...I am going through and working on the coloring of each of the animals and then I'll go back through at the end and work on the outline. Here is the pig...

Next up...The sheep! :-)

Another update from the adoptive family...

2009-12-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

Hello,

First I would like to tell you all that I took a huge step in trying to help others out that go through an unplanned pregnancy. I contacted our free pregnancy testing center in town, where I went when I had a positive home test to confirm it, and I told them that I would be more then happy if they would contact me if there were any girls who were thinking about adoption and wanted to talk to anyone who has been through it. I told them I would be more then happy to talk about my experience and help them just understand the adoption side of things and the different levels of adoption from closed all the way to very open. I am going to talk to the center next week and maybe even fill out an application to do some work for them. My next goal is to check out Kansas State University's different groups/organizations and see if they have anything for women who have gone through adoption, abortion, miscarriages...anything like that so I can get involved in it. I know a lot of people don't think that a miscarriage can be similar to adoption or abortion but due to some experiences of my friends and comforting each other through our tough times I've noticed that there are so many similarities between them even though they are so different.

Ok on to the topic of my post...

I received this picture from T and then we procceded to have this conversation:

T: Heard it was negative 20 your way wind chill! So cold here too. B had a snow day yesterday, had a great day hanging out. Ashden is getting big they had a shower for us at school today, he got lots of goodies :) We love you! Keep Warm!!! Good luck on your finals! I bet you are looking forward to a break :) You'll do great.

Me: Thank you so much for the cute picture of Ashden. I'm so glad to hear you got lots of goodies at at your shower at school. :) It is cold and snowy here but Joe loves it. I have one final left now tomorrow morning and then its time for a break that cant come soon enough. Haha. How does Ashden like the cold?

T: Glad you are good :) Ashden doesn't like wearing his hat at all but he doesn't mind his warm reindeer suit. When it was warmer we did a stroller ride and he loved it but now with it really cold B dropped us off at the door to the places we went yesterday :) It was so windy too!

Me: Haha to bad he hates his hats he looks so cute in them! That was sweet of B to drop you off at the front door to all the places you went yesterday. Is Ashden sleeping through the night better? Have you had your family and friends baby shower?

T: He is sleeping at night better :) we are having another shower in January :) The grandparents both got him lots of stuff too :) We have been reading the books you got him and he knows they're from you :) Oh yes, and Ashden LOVES the Christmas tree lights I keep joking that I'll have to leave the trees up year round :)

Me: Awwww...Thank you so much! :) That made me very happy. I'm so glad he is sleeping through the night better. I'm sure he is ganna get so much at the next shower. I'm so happy you are all doing so well. Thanks again for keeping in such good contact with me. I love hearing from you! Maybe you can put the lights around his crib that would keep him entertained for hours. :)

T: Good idea :) We think of you often, have a wonderful night and good luck on that last final and then you get your break!!!! Enjoy it! I'll let you know how much he weighs after his appt next week! I'm anxious to know! Take care :)

Me: You have a wonderful night too. I can't wait to hear his updated weight too! I don't want to over step any boundries either but just know I would be happy with another call sometime when you can and if you want. :)

T: Thanks you're fine :) I was planning on giving you a call with the dr checkup next week, it will be fun to chat and catch up!!!!!!!! :) :)

Hehe, that made me so happy! So next Tuesday I'll get to hear about his updated weight! Yippy!

Full Post below...but had to share!

2009-12-02T14:50:00.001-08:00

I got a text message from T today it had the following picture and message:

Title: Thinking of you!!!!!

Message: Wanted to send you this pic of Ashden on Thanksgiving. Hope you had a great holiday. He is getting big, next dr checkup is the 15th so we should get his new weight then. :) Have a great day!

Wasn't that so thoughtful of them?! It brought tears to my eyes...but very happy tears.

Thanksgiving and a few other things,

2009-12-02T08:39:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving came so fast this year. I couldn't believe it! I wasn't completely prepared for seeing my whole family after just giving my son up for adoption. I didn't know how people would react or how they would even act around me. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I know that at first people were a little apprehensive about talking to me. My guess is they weren't sure what to talk to me about because they didn't know how I would take it. They all finally started to calm down and I even brought my photo album of photos of Ashden (from the hospital all the way to his first "One Week Old" professional pictures. That helped everyone relax a little bit a think. It was a good Thanksgiving and lots of food. The one major thing I'm Thankful for this year is the wonderful Adoptive Parents that I picked out for my son...they really are amazing!

I got a call from my adoption worker the Tuesday before Thanksgiving telling me that B and T had sent me a Thanksgiving card and a little art project from Ashden. I had her read me the card and I was in tears at my office. Haha. It was a beautiful letter and it was so wonderful to have them send something to me even when they didn't have to! They even sent me his first art project. :-) It was when he turned a month old and all he really contributed to it was his hands and feet. They used orange paint to put a foot print and a hand print on a card for me. I am so happy I picked this family! They are going above and beyond what they were even expecting...

They went into the adoption process of not really wanting to have an open adoption and they've come all the way around to sending me cards, texting me and even a phone call already. I guess that goes both ways. I at first was against having visitations. I just wanted to receive pictures. Then I stepped it up to pictures and a letter. Then it went to pictures, a letter with the pictures, and visitation once a year. They have been so thoughtful of me through the whole process and it really has helped me out a lot. When they send me cards they always send them to Joe and I (yes Joe is my dog). They are huge animal lovers and that is one of the biggest reasons I picked them. So they always include Joe in their letters to me and when they sign the cards they always say from T, B, Ashden and Carisma, Jake and Bailey too (their cat and two dogs). It's great fun!

I am still doing ok. I have an appointment with a councleor tomorrow. I don't know how long I'll keep going but part of me just feels like I am not completely coping with everything. I don't know if I am and I'm just doing so well because of how awesome B and T are or if I'm just trying to avoid my real emotions. So I'm hoping that I can figure out exactly how I'm feeling so I can stop overthinking things.

School is almost out...my last final is Dec 11th and then it's finally the start of the Christmas break and then KSU here I come!

Take care!

~Deanna~

PS: I scanned Ashden's first art project so I could have an electronic version...enjoy!

My Story,

2009-11-24T08:29:00.000-08:00

Since it's finally open news to all my family and my close friends I have decided to finally tell my story of getting pregnant and giving my son up for adoption. I know many people do not follow my blog or read it at all but I feel that just getting some stuff out will really help me cope with everything...

At the end of February 09 I started have a feeling that I was pregnant. I was dating Josh who, at the time, I thought was going to be the person I would spend the rest of my life with. I knew that we had our issues but I just figured we could work through them. When I finally told him that I thought I might be pregnant he said, "If you are then you are, we can't really do anything about it." He started acting weird and going out to the bars all the time. I finally took a pregnancy test and it confirmed my suspisions. That is when things got a little blurry for me. I found out Josh was cheating on me and knew that I wasn't going to deal with that even though I was pregnant with his child. He told me that I should just get an abortion and that was that.

I had to start really putting my life into perspective and figure out what I wanted to do with my situation. I hadn't told my parents and I had only told a few of my friends. I knew that I wasn't going to do abortion. It's just not something that I could ever live with, knowing that I killed my baby, something that was a part of me. I hadn't even thought of the aspect of adoption...it's not something that I think jumps out in the minds of many people. I went to the free pregnancy testing clinic in town so that I could get a confirmation from them and start going to the doctor. This is when I found out that I had gotten pregnant in January, while on my birthcontrol...and no I was not taking any antibiotics! So that only 99.9% accuracy is true...it's not 100% full proof.

I finally decided on adoption. It was the only thing I could think of that would be right for my baby. If I kept him then he would grow up without a father in his life until sometime down the road I found a man who would care about me and my baby. I don't want to live my life looking for a father for my child so my only other option was to give him up for adoption.

Telling my parents was the hardest thing ever! I knew that they were going to freak out about it and I knew that it wasn't going to be a good reaction. One of my friends went with me so that I wouldn't be alone. It didn't go over well at all. They didn't understand why I wouldn't do abortion and they said that there was no way that I could keep him so my only option would be adoption. I had already decided that, but it still hurt having them be so unsupportive.

I started going to the doctor and meeting with the adoption agency and finally in July I got to pick out the family that I wanted to adopt my baby boy. I got to tell them things that I really wanted from a family and then they found the families that matched that the closest. I had three books to look through and after I looked through the very first book I had a strong feeling that they were the ones that I was meant to choose. They were very family oriented, they had been together for 10 years, married for 7, they had 2 dogs and a cat that you could tell they love them to death! They are both teachers, they are huge KSU fans (big plus), and you could tell they really love each other. So I picked them out.

When we met with them the first time it was just amazing. They were so laid back and wonderful. We hit it off and we couldn't stop talking! I knew right then and there that I had picked the perfect family for my little boy. After our second meeting it just confirmed it even more. They also told me then that they were planning on naming him Ashden John...what a perfect name.

I made sure to call them and tell them how each of my doctors visits were going. All the way up to the doctors visit that sent me into the hospital.

It was Tuesday October 20th and Ashden hadn't been moving around as much as he normally did so I started to get really worried. I decided to head to my doctors office to have them check him out and make sure everything was ok. They found out that my blood pressure was very high and that worried my doctor. She sent me to the hospital to get hooked up to a fetal monitor there and to have my blood pressure taken. After two hours my doctor decided to break my water (9:00 pm). At 11:00 pm they started to push petocine (sp) hoping to accelerate my labor. It was very VERY painful. But I stuck it out until 2:00 am on the 21st of October before I finally told them they needed to get me the epidural. LOL. I was only dialated to a 4 and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to sleep without it. I got a little bit of sleep that morning but woke up at 6:00 am just waiting. I was so sick to my stomach it wasn't even funny. Blah, to many medications if I might say so myself! I started pushing at 8:00 am and by 9:21 on October 21st Ashden John made his apperence into the world at 8 lbs and 20.5 inches long.

I had said that I didnt' want to hold him after he was born but I changed my mind immediatly and I held him. He was beautiful and perfect! I remember thinking, "He has Josh's nose!" and then, "I know that I am doing the right thing for that wonderful couple waiting out in the hall way!"

I never changed my mind on the whole thing. I knew that my best option was adoption, I knew that B and T were going to be the best parents for him, and I knew that I was still going to be able to see him and have contact with them.

Our agreement was for them to send pictures every 3 months for the first year and then every 6 months after that. We will also have a visitation once a year. I hadn't thought about phone contact but T has already called me once and she has also sent me a text message with a picture of him. I'm so glad that we are so open with each other because it is making things a little easier to deal with. Every time I hear from them I know that my choice was completely right!

I will leave you with some pictures today, but I imagine that I'll be back again soon to get some of my feelings out!